Spiritual Marriage

BY CHIM LI YEN

Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honour and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.

- Tom Robbins

As I step gingerly into the next phase of my life, I contemplate the concept of ‘marriage’ - the word which sent shivers down my spine for as far as I remember. Thinking about marriage always brought forth pictures of the loss of my personal freedom, being stuck, endless responsibilities, unhappiness… you get my point. It signified the end of the life that I have known.

Now, the paradox is that I found freedom and joy once I chose to walk down the road that I have resisted for so long. All the dreadful things I had anticipated before did not surface. I don’t know about how life would be in the future but I believe I have the power to create my own reality. I embrace this ‘new’ partnership with open arms and an open heart.

People marry for so many reasons - to ensure physical survival, for economic reasons, to comply with social, legal, spiritual or religious traditions. Since the existence of this ancient institution of marriage, love being the main reason for marriage is a relatively new phenomenon.

According to Carl Jung, the archetype of marriage was designed to assist physical survival. After marriage, a couple participate in an energy dynamic in which they unite their lives to help each other survive physically. Marriage offers a safe nest to raise children and a committed partner to explore life together with. Like any other relationship, it also provides perfect opportunities to learn valuable lessons of love, compassion, self-discipline, acceptance, integrity and self-control.

By looking at the current divorce statistics, it seems that the archetype of marriage is no longer functional. Perhaps it needs to be upgraded to a more evolved version. Besides providing materially, marriage has to allow both partners to grow spiritually by forging a spiritual or sacred partnership.

Some people enter a marriage seeking perpetual romance only to end up disappointed because the initial attraction does not mature into a deeper bond and the youthful beauty fades. Many seek divorce as a solution to their personal unhappiness. It is unrealistic to expect the ultimate perfection from another person when we have our own personal quirks and shadows. Psychiatrist and marriage counsellor, Dr Sidney Sharmin claims that although a divorce and remarriage worked for some people, he has seen many cases where the person carried the same problems into the subsequent marriage resulting in cycles of divorces and remarriages.

Indian guru, Yogananda teaches that men are ruled by the head (thoughts) and women by the heart (feelings). Perfection is a balance between the head and the heart so both men and women learn from each other to attain that balance.

The marriage archetype can make it very hard to sustain love, romance and spontaneity as the anchor of a relationship. If you pay attention, you will notice when age-old marriage values start to make its presence in your relationship. It can be about the man’s obligation to provide for the house, exclusive sexual rights, a woman’s role at home or even financial practicalities. There is nothing right or wrong about these values as long as it is agreed upon consciously by both partners.

The key is conscious awareness. You need to be aware of the difference in your partner’s and your family patterns, cultural traditions, dysfunctional habits and blind spots. It is important to recognise and celebrate the unique gifts that you each contribute to the marriage. When you succeed in establishing the partnership you desire, you lay a new path in the collective unconscious and fine-tune the marriage archetype’s traditions to make it easier for future couples to foster a loving, conscious marriage.

The basis of a spiritual marriage is a sacred commitment between two people to assist each other’s spiritual growth for the evolution of their souls. They understand that they will be together for as long as it is meant for their souls to be together. It can be 6 months, until the last days of their lives or even subsequent incarnations. They cannot promise to be together forever because it is not up to them to decide if they will be evolving at the same speed in the similar direction.

It is still necessary as there is a certain growth that can only occur within the dynamic of a committed relationship. Without commitment, you cannot learn to see the other person as the perfect Light he is. It is impossible to care for another person more than yourself. When we accommodate and encourage our partner’s growth, we integrate with them to form a beautiful synergy that allows each other to stretch beyond our boundaries so we can be the powerful and glorious beings we are. 

I would end with this excerpt by Gary Zukav.

“When you commit to a spiritual partnership with another human being:

- You begin to live by the values, perceptions, and actions that reflect equality with your partner and a commitment to his or her spiritual development and your own.

- You begin to set aside the wants of your personality (ego) in order to accommodate the needs of your partner's spiritual growth, and, in doing that, you grow yourself.

- You begin to see that what is necessary to the health of your partnership is identical with what is necessary to your own spiritual growth, that each of you holds the pieces that the other is missing.

- You begin to value your partner's contribution to your development. You experience that his or her perceptions and observations are helpful, and, indeed, central, to your growth, that conversations between you stir deep waters.

- You learn the roles of love and commitment and trust in making your partnership work. You learn that love is not enough, that without trust, you are not able to give and to receive the love that both of you have for each other. You learn to trust not only each other, but also your ability to grow together.

- You learn that sharing your concerns with consideration and the intention to heal and trust in the process is the only appropriate avenue. As you approach your needs with courage instead of fear, you ignite a sense of trust. The true human condition in its most perfect form has no secrets. It does not hide but exists in clear love.

- You learn the value of really listening and the value of considering another's position. By becoming the other person, by truly walking into the fears of the other and then returning into your own being again, you open up the conversation to transcend the personal and become healing at the impersonal. This allows you to see each other as spiritual playmates as you work through the areas that require healing in each of you. Even into the toughest moments of your work on feelings of insecurity you can be light and remind yourself that you are spirits who have taken on the physical experience and have far greater power than you are showing in that moment of weakness.”