Emotional Coaching

BY CHIM LI YEN

Social scientists have proven that children drawn into delinquent behaviour is a result of problems in their family environment such as divorce, marital conflict, domestic violence, poor parenting, neglect, abuse, the physical or emotional absence of a father and poverty.

A simple step we can take to keep our children safe from the many risks surrounding us lies in building stronger emotional bonds with them and helping them to develop a higher level of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the capacity to understand and handle one’s emotions gracefully.

Children become more resilient when their parents adopt an Emotion Coaching style of parenting. The children still get sad, angry or scared under different circumstances but they are better able to soothe themselves, bounce back from distress and carry own with productive activities.

Discipline is important in Emotion Coaching as parents set limits and motivate children to do better when they know that the child is capable of doing so. As parents, your words matter a lot to your children because they care about what you think and they don’t want to displease you.

The five steps of Emotion Coaching are:

1. Being aware of the child’s emotions

Emotional awareness means that you recognise when you are feeling an emotion, you are able to identify it and you are sensitive to emotions in others. Parents who are aware of their own emotions can use their sensitivity to tune into their children’s feelings.

Children sometimes express their feelings indirectly but if we listen carefully; we can decode the messages they hide in their interactions, their play and their everyday behaviour. It is common for children to act out their fears through games with serious themes like illness, injury, abandonment or death. Alert parents take cues from fears expressed in their children’s play so they can address these fears and offer reassurance. Emotional distress may show up in behaviours like overeating, loss of appetite, nightmares, headaches and stomach aches.

If you suspect that your child is feeling sad, angry or fearful, put yourself in their shoes and see the world from their perspective. You must put aside all your life experiences so you genuinely empathise with the child and allow yourself to feel the same emotions he is feeling.

2. Recognising the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching

As parents, your child’s emotional upheaval caused by a broken toy, a failed exam or a conflict in school can serve as a superb opportunity to empathise, to strengthen intimacy and to teach them ways to manage their feelings. Looking at a child’s anger in a positive light can be rather refreshing as opposed to viewing it as a challenge to our authority.

3. Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings

Empathetic listening requires the listener to use the heart to feel what their children are feeling. You can use words to reflect and paraphrase the child’s thoughts and feelings so he feels understood.

Tuning in to your child’s emotions require that you pay attention to your child’s body language, facial expressions and gestures. Be aware of your own body language as your child reads you easily too. If you want to have a relaxed conversation, adopt a posture that says so. Sit at your child’s level, relax and be attentive to what he has to say. This lets him know that you take his concerns seriously and are willing to spend time on the matter.

As your child reveals his feelings, reflect what you heard to reassure your child that you are listening and you validate his feelings. For example, Noel reacts with anger saying “That’s not fair!” when he saw his older brother Jonathan receives a bicycle for his birthday. Usually, the boy’s father will respond by explaining that things will be fair in time by saying “You will get one when your birthday comes.”

Although that statement explains the logic of the situation, it denied Noel’s feelings. Dad could have responded with a simple observation “I bet it makes you feel jealous seeing that Jonathan has received a bicycle for his birthday” which validates Noel’s feelings.

4. Help the child verbally label emotions

A parent can provide words to help the child identify his emotions as he is feeling them. Defining an uncomfortable feeling into something definable makes it a normal part of everyday life.

Assist your children to develop a vocabulary to express their emotions but that doesn’t mean telling them how they ought to feel. If your son is angry, you may ask him “Are you feeling frustrated/confused/jealous/upset?” If he is sad, he might be also feeling empty, gloomy, troubled or bitter. Try using different words as the more precise the word used to describe how he feels, the more relief is felt by the child.

5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve

It is important for children to understand that their feelings are not the problem, their misbehaviour is. A child’s display of anger or sadness doesn’t just disappear because you say “Stop crying” or “You shouldn’t feel that way”. Telling a child how he ought to feel makes him distrust his feelings which can lead to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem.

Children must be informed on the consequences for breaking rules when setting limits on inappropriate behaviour. They respond best if consequences are fair, consistent and related to their misbehaviour.

Work with your child to come up with options to solve the problem. Encourage your child to think for himself while offering your opinion and guidance. You may share your experience on how you handled similar problems when you were young.

Once your child chooses a solution, help him come up with a plan to follow through. If he chooses a solution that doesn’t work out, do help him analyse why it has failed. Point out that it is all part of a learning process and that every step he takes will bring him closer to a successful outcome.

Try out the five steps of Emotion Coaching and let the process form the basis of a lifetime of emotional support between you and your child.