Assess Your Parenting Style

BY CHIM LI YEN

Everyone has the potential to be an excellent parent. We need to look at parenting in a different way from what we are used to. Most parents bring their children up in the same way they were brought up. Parents who have been spanked and punished as a child unconsciously do the same to their children.

Results drawn from two ten-year studies of more than 120 families tell a simple, yet compelling story. John Gottman found that most parents fall into one of the two broad categories: those who give their children emotional guidance and those who don’t.

Parents who get involved with their children’s feelings act like an ‘Emotion Coach”, teaching them to deal with life’s ups and downs. They accept negative emotions as a fact of life and use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching their kids important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. They don’t object to their children’s displays of anger, sadness and fear nor do they ignore them.

The path to becoming a better parent – like every road to personal growth and self-mastery – begins with self-observation. Below are descriptions of the four distinct parenting styles as well as the effects on the children which Gottman and his team uncovered in their research. Please assess your parenting style with honesty and gentleness.

As you read, think about interactions with your own children and about your childhood experiences with your parents. Those memories can be helpful in assessing your strengths and weaknesses as a parent.

What is your family’s philosophy of emotions? Were feelings concealed or dismissed as self-indulgent, unproductive or shameful? Was there a difference in standard based on the child’s gender? Some families believe that it is alright for a son to show his temper and for a daughter to cry but not vice versa.

Here are the four parenting styles.

The Dismissing Parent
- ignores or disengages from the child’s feelings

- treats the child’s feelings as unimportant

- wants negative emotions to quickly disappear

- believes negative emotions are toxic

- may lack awareness of own emotions

- feels uncomfortable, anxious, annoyed, hurt or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions

- uncertain about what to do with the child’s emotions

- does not problem-solve with the child as believes that time will resolve problems

- shows little interest in what the child is trying to communicate

Effect on children : They learn that their feelings are inappropriate, wrong and not valid. They have difficulty regulating their own emotions. They may think that there is something essentially amiss because of the way they feel.

The Disapproving Parent
- a more negative version of the Dismissing Parent

- judges and criticises the child’s emotions

- reprimands or punishes the child for emotional expression, regardless if the child is misbehaving or not

- believes displaying emotions make people weak and children must be emotionally tough for survival

- emphasises the need for the child’s obedience to authority

- places importance on conformity to good standards of behaviour

- believes negative emotions are a waste of time

Effect on children : Same as the dismissing parent

The Laissez-Faire Parent
- offers little guidance on behaviour
- does not teach the child about emotions; hands-off policy

- permissive; does not set limits

- comforts child who is experiencing negative feelings

- all-accepting attitude : freely accepts all emotional expression from the child

- does not help the child solve problems or teach the child problem-solving methods

- believes that negative emotions can be managed by releasing the emotion and the work is done

Effect on children : They don’t know how to handle their emotions and have trouble concentrating. They have difficulty forming friendships and getting along with other children.

The Emotion Coach
- views the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy
- aware of own emotions
- sensitive to the child’s emotional states

- respects the child’s emotions
- does not teach the child what he should feel
- does not feel he has to fix every problem for the child
- uses emotional moments as a time to :
  * listen to the child
  * empathise with encouraging words and affection
  * help the child label the emotion he is feeling
  * offer guidance
  * set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions
  * teach problem-solving skills

Effect on children : They learn to trust their feelings, regulate their own emotions and solve problems. They have high self-esteem, good academic achievements and get along well with others.

The first three parenting styles are parents who don’t encourage their children to express their emotions nor guide them to manage their emotion whereas the last one, the ‘Emotion Coach’ is one who emphasises the importance of emotional guidance.

If you have identified aspects of your relationship with your child you would like to change, please read next week’s article as we will discuss detailed information about the five steps that constitute Emotional Coaching.